Hi,

Before I answer this question, I'm asking the reader to go to the store, right now. Buy some nachos please...that's right. Now come home. Put the chips on a plate. Sit back at your computer. This entry will be all the cheese you'll need. :)
The best christmas gift I ever got was a boy.
I'm not implying that he's a possession, he came with his family for vacation. It basically was the best winter break of my life :) I will spare the details :)

i'm in doubt.
you know when you feel like your life is crashing down around you, and everything you once treasured was destroyed?
When you watch someone you love leave you forever, and never being able to say everything that was on your mind?
When you witness a great injustice, but never do a single thing to stop it?
When you map out your goals in life only to achieve none of them?
When you regret some of the biggest decisions in your life?
When you want to believe that you are being over dramatic, but things are bugging you so bad that you believe there must be some meaning to it?
When you feel like no one respects you, everyone ignores you, and you try too hard to impress people who never return the favor?
When you want to bawl your eyes out but you can't?
When something inside of you is waiting to come out but cannot?
When you havn't stayed true to yourself for so long, that you are not really sure who you really are?
When your once greatest passions in life have disappeared?
When you wish you were who you were and with the people you were two summers ago?
When you can't seem to talk to anyone?
When something inside of you prevents you from having the life you want?
When you are trying to type out all of the conflicts you are experiencing, but only seem to hint at them in question form?
When a machine is distancing you from the outside world?
When all of the social skills you thought you had have vanished?
When you realize one person made you who you wanted to be, but left before you solidified?
When you had the perfect opportunity to change it all for the better, but let it slip through your fingers?

dear journal,
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i'm probably in the worst mood of my life
it's almost depression, and it's scaring the shit out of me.
i binge ate yesterday and tried to forget about it...but it happened again today. for breakfast i had two biscottis, bowl of cereal, 1 1/2 slice of cheesecake, a banana, and a whole wheat slice of bread with peanut butter. drank 2 cups of water and 3 hours later i had a salad. i sat on my ass watching youtube videos and making everything worst, mom notices and i feel sad. THAT'S A SHOCKER. so i have a mini box of fiber 1 and cheerios. and a fruit snacks package. it's stress. it's this sick pit that i love putting myself into. i want attention, i'm a little attention whore. so pathetic. okay okay STOPPPDSF;AJLS DF
there's no need to beat myself up, here. so i gained so weight, big deal. i'm so lucky that i'm not obese or anorexic. i realize that i have a problem. but i can overcome it just like anything else. it's like some challenging math problem that i can conquer with some positive thinking. i understand how mood swings are normal for any teenager. i just want to sleep and forget about everything and wake up skinny. i want to jump in the poool and swim for 100 hours but it's too cold. i wish i could turn back time. it's okay, the past is the past. i accept how much i ate. i don't approve, but i acknowledge and accept. i can go on. this disorder does not control my life. food does not control my life. i have a family to belong too and work to do. i'm a busy, busy girl with a great and blessed life. God loves me anyway. I'm loved. it's okay. Don't be sad, you're so beautiful and are loved by many. I'm sure my family does not like to see me like this, right? Do it for them. Get better for yourself and for everyone around you. It's a win win situation. Dancing and swimming and running are so much more fun than pigging out and watching tv, right? How enriching it is! It's never too late, Melanie. You can start anew. I love you.

so today is just one of those days...
where i didn't accomplish any of my goals
anddd i dealt with things the wrong way.
again.
so since i got back from an oh-so-fabulous weekend with one of my good friends, I've been emotion eating. yes, that's my weakness. I EAT WHEN IM ALONE OKAYY? blah. so yes i have been stuffing the Nature Valley bars in my mouth, plopping the chocolate covered fruit balls one by one, and eat a slice of bread to recover.

but today, today was different.
it started off well
BREAKFAST: wanted to just have a glass of hot milk but chickened out over the fact that i might binge eat later in the day. plus, everyone knows breakfast is the most important meal, amirite? so i have (what i think was) 1 cup of malt-o-meal with two chopped strawberries and a glass of OJ. :D half OJ half water. start off smart, right?
SNACK: during school i had the last Light strawberry yogurt. now i have to stick with the 99% fat free ones. on how will i survive?
LUNCH: i bought a turkey sandwich from the food cart...pretty much 2 slices of turkey with like 4 olives, three shreds of lettuce. that's it.
it filled me up though. and i had some of my friends cheese pretzels. about 2?
DINNER: so first, a story. called my mom after school, she talked to me about how i run and how there is no "form" to running and i just need to relax and i get too nervous. which, naturally, offended me because i like to abstain from the obvious. it's just high school mom...once it's over I'll be myself. i still am myself. it's just during school where i.... act retarded..okayy moving on. so we go to the doctor to check out my ankle (i have tendinitis, whoohoo!) then mom dropped me off at home.
DUN DUH DUH DUN.
that's the scariest part of the day. i'm all alone. my kitchen is an abundance of food. a fountain of tastiness. i felt angry about mom saying i'm nervous, and nervous about what college i'm getting into. and where i'm going in life. and how fat i'm becoming. and alllll this stupid SHIT that i shouldn't even blink about. so i "dealt" with it by eating:
probably around 25 vanilla wafers. half dipped in peanut butter
a fiber one bar
a nature valley bar.
a strawberry custard filled twisted biscuit thing
*egg with rice (WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO EAT)
two chocolate fruit balls
a little potato
andddd fuck.
my eyes are blurring up from staring at the computer, reading articles from USDA and MyPyramid. now i know what i'm supposed to eat. but what i need to address is how i am going to deal with my emotions. an easy way thats plausible.

so when i get home, after an exhausting day at school, i should immediately reach for my homework. No matter how much i want to pounce all over the kitchen, i will restrain and do my homework the best i could, paying special attention to every detail. if i'm totally ravenous from not eating enough/ well throughout the day, i'll drink water. until i'm full. then the homework etc etc. once i'm done wtih homework? i will grab a book to read. i have plenty, unread books. if my parents want me to do chores instead? you're sure as fuck i'll do them. my parents pour so much money into their kids and put up with soooo much drama we throw at them, the least i can do is help around the house. yeah, mom's calling me downstairs right now to bring my track clothes upstairs. so ima do that.

if you somehow stumble across this, feel free to leave an encouraging comment. advice would be AWESOME.

klates.

okay, i know that i am supposed to be working on my outline for my research project, but this has been on my mind and it is making it so hard to concentrate!
it all started when i was looking through my high school year book from last year, scanning the index for my name. i stared longingly at the people who had three, four, even seven page numbers after their name, and finally find my pitiful name with a single page number: my yearbook photo.
i remember ending last year with my mom saying how disappointed she was in me. she wanted to see my face in the yearbook more. to her that was the ultimate sign of failure or success. she wanted me to get involved in clubs, ambassadors, ASB, sports, etcetera. that last day of school was just sad. the girls that put up with my weirdness that year said their farewells with worried looks on their faces. or were they smirking? i am not too sure.
but, okay. you want to know what my problem is? the biggest hurdle that i have to face is fear. i am so afraid. which is the stupidest emotion to feel in the world. i am afraid to be myself because of what others will think of me? i do not have to conform myself into this pretty little image of a private-school young lady who has tea breaks every evening at 6. that is definately not who i am.
i am melanie.
i am crazy, i am wild
i am random, and love to laugh
i like to run around places and make people happy.
i say what is on my mind because it is true
what has fear done to me? i have this big fat sterotype of high school in my mind that i have to be like everyone else to be accepted by everyone else. God help me if someone does not like me exactly the way i am. heaven forbid that i get a couple of weird looks in the hallway for smiling at how my life is progressing. am i so worried to slip into this teenage society without so much as leaving a stain or tearing a little piece of the puzzle, to take risks? guess what?
it is only high school.
high school is not everything.
high school as in perfect hair and dirty looks, is not important. what is important is excercising your talents to the fullest potential, whether it be on the field or in the classroom. mine so happens to be academically...and i want to make a different the skills i was given. stupid drama is no excuse to distract me from the bigger picture. i want to make a difference. i don't want to make a huge scene to attract attention and send myspace bulletins flying. i want to help a greater cause and be successful to the deepest meaning. i want to be happy and make others around me happy. i also got that from talking to my beautiful sister stephany :)
 after talking with my absolutely wonderful and beautiful inside-and-out sister Stephany, i do not see why i have to be so down on myself. i see that there is no reason at all that i should not be having the time of my life and showing the world who i am every single second of every single day. my friends love me for who i am. my family will love me forever and ever. there is no reason not to jump. as for the girls' opinions of me i am so worried about? they are just as afraid as i was, and they believe that they must be this snobby, pretty girl so they could blend into the crowd.
oh, almost forgot. i ate a bunch of chocolate candy today. kit kat bars, snickers, almond joys, butterfingers, reeses pieces. (fun size, of course). do you want to know why? i was worried about how i am going to present myself to people tomorrow. it all boils down to that. not my homework, not talking to mr rickling about joining ambassadors. i was frightened to show a glimmer of my true self to strangers. i should not be. my mother is right. i should be ashamed if i think i am anything less than the beautiful girl i really, truly am. so i think i am fat? well guess what, you can run for 40 minutes and love every second of it. oh, and i do not regret a single morsal i have ever consumed in my life. it is a learning experience. i am human, and my moment of weakness happened to be when i reached for that piece of candy. i know what i did was wrong, and it will never happen again. i love myself.
i am beautiful. i am me and always will be.
i start showing my true colors today.
i will live every day as if i will die tomorrow.
it is time to face the music.
no one will get me down.
i love you.
xoxo
melfawelfa

i just deleted my myspace :)

2008 Resolutions

1. make my parents proud

i'm sick of disappointing my parents all the time. freshmen year it was grades, now it's my little laziness to do shit around the house/not being classy/sassy/sweet enough. i'm through with the rebel phrase of wanting to make my parents mad for some pointless personal gain. grades are pretty good now, i have all As except in alg2trig (87%) so i'm really kicking into an almost obsessive carefulness about homework and studying. except now, because i've been on myspace too much so far this break (fuck it). i want to be the daughter they always wanted. this year i will stop at nothing to become that intelligent, sweet, independant, sophisticated, UC bound daughter they so rightfully deserve. even though there are many times when all i want to do is waste hours on myspace or just lie on my bed thinking of typical teenage stuff, i have to realize that won't get me anywhere in life. it certainly won't accomplish my resolution. i have to get off my ass and get to work. i'm done with being the moody, bitchy middle child. i want to start a successful life this year so that in the years ahead when i am finally grown they can say "you've made us so happy, we're so proud of you mija" and really, really mean it.


2. get a good boy

my experiences with boys can be summed up as a really really lame rollercoaster. it starts off awfully flat, with less than exciting turns and twists, then shoots upward so fast you barely feel it. then just as fast as it soared upward, the car plunges below, only ending in the same dull flatness. not to make anyone look bad i mean, i love boys. haha, they make me laugh, make me swoon, and can be so much chiller than girls . well this year, i really want to meet someone extra special. i want to have that boy who makes me light up with such inner happiness thats almost sickening. and (for once) i want him to live near me. none of this long distance stuff anymore . it wouldn't matter if he's the hottest thing since marky mark or jimmy fallon, if i like this boy he would be HAWT. to me...which is all that matters right? anyywayy, back to the first resolution, if my parents don't like him (even for a stupid reason as being poor ) he's out. it just doesn't blend because my family is SO close, and they always want to be %100 involved in our "serious" relationships. well this new boy i hope to meet this year would have some strong connection with me. i want us to talk, about anything, about nothing. i want to listen to the contents of his heart and soul, and kiss him like mad after. our touches will be electric. seems irrealistic? i had something like this once, it exists. i believe in true love. i don't have to list every individual thing i would like to see in this boy, because if he's with me, you'll know he's perfect .


3. join a sports team

really generic resolution. let's face it, i'm not in the best shape i could be. sometimes i'd rather be reading a book or reading myspace bullitens than shooting a goal or spiking a volleyball. but when i put my entire being into a sport, i improve really fast and have a blast. to me, there are two big positives to joining some sort of sports team. theres (1) getting a smokin' hot athletic bod, and (2) making alot of chill friends. again, i have experienced this before, i know i can do it. this time, i want to make it last. a longg time. i want to get skilled enough at the sport so that i can school my brother in. it cant be something mediocre, like badmitton. it has to be something hard, but fun. and worth it. i want to be sweating from head to toe and/or covered in dirt utterly exhausted after every practice, and be smiling from ear to ear. there's a jock in me, i can feel it. i just have to release the BEAST!!

4. Study abroad

i want to go to europe this summer to study. either england or germany. england because it's gorgeous and they speak english there, germany because i'm studying german in school and i freakin' LOVEE IT. for some weird reason everyone wants me to become some ambassador station in germany or something like that, so that's another reason.

5. lose 10 pounds in 3 months

because madre told me to and it's good for my health. time to get toned up baby!!!!!!


**I SOLEMNLY SWEAR ON EVERYTHING CANNOT LIVE COMFORTABLY WITHOUT THAT THESE RESOLUTIONS WILL BE ACHIEVE DURING THE DURATION OF THE YEAR 2008. SEVERE PUNISHMENTS WILL BE DELIVERED IF EVEN ONE RESOLUTION IS NOT DONE TO ITS FULLEST POTENTIAL.



Sincerely yours forever more,
Melanie Supple.

EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE.
THE CITY IS BURNING DOWN.
PLEASE GOD, SEND A HUGE RAINCLOUD OVER MY BEAUTIFUL COUNTY THAT I LOVE SO MUCH AND GET RID OF THIS FIRE!!
www.myspace.com/melfa_

the smell, the orange skies, i hate it.



i want my beautiful, sunny California back :[

alright. i, melanie ruby s*****, am going to attempt my first livejournal entry
*legasp*
ya i knoo right?
alright the basiks
age: 15
location: ccccali
occupation: aspiring creative writer and hxc crab apple kiddd haha
nethang elsee?: well...i'm a freshman...and finals are next week :X

i have a reeeeely old livejournal account from like 3 years ago....but i can't find it anywhere!!!! i never used it though...
music:
uummm....

PANIC! AT THE DISCO
they are AMAZING. they were one of the first bands i listened too when i was getting into the whole "rock" scene and out of the whole "radio hippity hopp trendy" scene..
i've learned alot listening to their music....like stripclubs....and cheating girlfriends...and a supermodel who suffered from a deadly car accident which ripped off her jaw.....you know the goood stuff
hahahaha juts kidding...kind of
but really, i have learned alot about music because the them, panic! introduced me to what influeced them...like the counting crows..
(I LOVE THEMM NOW!!! ADAM I LOVE YOUU!!)
lol so yes jon, i am growing with you guys


favorite (andonly...) community: patd 
:D heeeheeehee




ps. i usually can't type so there's going to be manyyy grammar mistakes a s time going on.
haha i didn't type that intentionally

hello y'all call someone please give me a link to download "introduction"

hey i just watch trl. spencer and brendon were on webcam for an interview, but the sound was totally messsed up! it was kinda funnny, considering specner was like cracking up of embarressment or something.
but at the end when damien said they couldn't hear i word they said and were going to stop the interview, someone (spence or bden?) said something bad i guess because damien was all shocked and said "well we heard you that time! shut your mouth!"

anyone know what he said?